Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
