You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
