and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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