I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
