Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
