please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
