my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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