I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
