Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
