He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
