Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
