Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
