fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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