I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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