I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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