Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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