Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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