hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
