You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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