He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
