i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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