Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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