Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
