people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
