Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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