Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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