last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
