while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
