I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
