he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
