i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
