forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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