How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
