I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
