we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
