over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
