Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
