tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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