Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
