I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize