my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
