We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
