if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
