best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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