I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
