No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
you had me at cake vodka
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
