So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
