Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
