i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
