All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
