CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
