I wish I could teleport
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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